Raising kids is tough enough. Add the prospect of dating to the equation, and you’ve got quite a challenge. But regardless how your circumstance arose, you deserve to date. Read on for our expert-backed rules on navigating the dating scene while still keeping your kids interests at heart.

Rule #1: If you’re newly single, ease into it
Remember, you’re the grown-up here. “The decision to date is 100 percent yours,” says Ellie Slott Fisher, author of Dating for Dads. “If you are single, you can date.” Of course, the reality of how and when to start ducking out depends on the circumstance and your readiness. “Timing is particularly sensitive for widowers because everyone offers their opinion as to the 'appropriate' time, even though none of them is walking in your shoes,” Fisher says. “Divorced dads are usually dealing with limited time with their kids, so they can feel guilty about dating.” Regardless of your circumstances, you’ll know it’s too soon to date if you need to talk incessantly about your former wife in glowing or not-so-glowing terms, Fisher explains.

Rule #2: Talk to your kids about it
When you think you are ready to date, tell your children, Fisher suggests. “Say, ‘You are, and always will be, the most important people in my life. But as much as I love to spend time with my friends and family, just like you do, I’d also like to have friends of the opposite gender, someone who I can go to the movies with, to dance with, to have a drink with,’ ” Fisher says.

Rule #3: Find the right gal
The woman you’re looking for should understand that your kids are your priority, says Armin Brott, a columnist for Ask Mr.Dad. “You never know when there will be an emergency, when you’ll have to leave a date or cancel—and that might make her jealous,” Brott says. According to Fisher’s research, single moms are not looking specifically for a man with kids, but single dads are looking for a woman who is a mother. “Men assume that a mother is less self-oriented and more nurturing and will welcome his children,” Fisher says. But there’s no guarantee of this. Don’t disregard a woman who has never been a mother—she may be wonderful with your kids because there is no one competing for her attention. 

Rule #4: Don’t divulge too much about her
They’ll want to know her name, what she looks like and whether she has children, but little else. In terms of meeting her, this is a decision your child should make. You can ask if they would like to meet the woman you are dating, and if they say no (sometimes one may say no, and the other will want to), then respect their wishes. However, be sure to add that at some point in the future if you should ever meet someone you want to date exclusively, you will want them to meet her. Most children will be okay with this because they can’t really imagine that happening.

Rule #5: Avoid the revolving door
Introducing women into your children’s lives too frequently can skew their perceptions. “Children can get attached to them, and then if they disappear it can make children cynical and pessimistic about romantic relationships,” says clinical psychologist Ken Condrell, Ph.D, author of Be a Great Divorced Dad.

Rule #6: Be sensitive about when and how much time you spend on dates
Never sacrifice time with your kids for time with a date, Fisher says. This means no dropping the kids off at grandma’s house when it is your weekend with them. "This speaks volumes to the kids about your lack of importance and focus on them," Fisher says.

Rule #7: Keep your online dating ventures to yourself, as well
If you meet someone online it is prudent not to show your children her profile. “This is about a potential relationship between two adults and it should be handled with requisite privacy and respect,” says Fisher. Don’t share all the intimate details of a woman with your children. “They never need to know that you consider a woman to be a sexy hot mess. Share that with your friends,” says Fisher.

Rule #8: Watch the loyalty complex
Whether you are divorced or widowed, a former spouse will inadvertently be a factor in whether the kids accept your social life. “You have to explain that your dating has nothing to do with the marriage ending or whether Mom and Dad loved each other,” Fisher says. It can be tricky, since sometimes if the mom isn’t dating yet, she may try to discredit your dating in front of the kids. The kids may also struggle with either or both parents’ new significant others. “They may feel they’re betraying their mothers,” says Condrell, “and may keep them from getting close to new parents.”

Rule #9: Make introductions cautiously
This needs to be an extremely low-key, short meeting. The initial introduction is an opportunity for your kids to check out your new love interest, Fisher says. Choose a very unintimidating location. Do not bring them to her house. Instead, have her come to your house, and set a time limit. This is an opportunity for them to look her over, get a sense of her. Don’t pressure your kids to like her—and vice versa. “Have no expectations. It is a naïve expectation men have that the woman is going to love the kids,” says Brott.

Rule #10: If you want a sleepover with the kids around, you’d better be serious
Never assume your kids don’t get it. They do. Even toddlers who would be fine with a woman sleeping over turn into adolescents and then teens—and if you have been cavalier about sleepovers when they are 3 or 4, it is easy for them to get lulled into doing it as they age. You should be in a committed, exclusive, marriage-on-the-horizon relationship if she sleeps over in your bed when your kids are home.