If there is one silver lining to lockdown, it's that you might be able to get in touch with yourself like never before. But if you're ready to take things to the next level, if your dream job has always been that of a sexual sommelier, have we got an isolation-approved role for you. Through May 12, U.K.-based retailer Ricky is accepting applications for people interested in testing sex toys. Yeah, I'm talking about testing sex toys and getting paid (as opposed to just doing it pro bono).

But what formal responsibilities are expected of a sex toy tester? Well, it's not for the faint of heart. A typical day for this (obviously) remote role includes analyzing the toy's discreet packaging upon delivery, assessing safe and secure delivery methods, checking for instruction clarity and product usability—that is, is it a Rubix cube of a device?—oh, and of course, my personal favorite, "testing for maximum pleasure and sense of comfort."

Now, it’s noble and risky work. God forbid you accidentally desensitize your vagina or develop carpal tunnel syndrome from over-vibing. Likewise, approved applicants need to be comfortable "posting their feedback to their social media account within 7 days of receiving their sex toy." As long as you're chill with that, it’s such a feel-good way to make income... literally. Consider orgasms. (FYI: Underrated benefits of orgasms include aiding in a good night's sleep and relieving stress. Who doesn't need that right now?)

And for those who have been seeking out a new hobby, sexual mountain climbing is a good one to add to your list. Like, pilates sound great and all, but this seems like it’ll give you a true full-body workout without leaving your bed. That’s the best kind, let’s be real. And hot take, banana bread is just cake for people who don’t like cake and baking for people who don’t like baking.

Related Stories

Okay, but what’s the situation when it comes to cash? 

So the pay is £100 ($125) per sex toy test carried out by the tester. The tester is sent a toy-of-the-week over the course of several months. The tester will be allocated one day per week to formally test the product, which shouldn’t take that long, but if you do have the time, go ahead and masturbate toward freedom. The pro rata rate is calculated based on a day rate of $125, five days a week, landing you at $625 a week. If there are 52 weeks in a year, my calculator says that you’ll land at $32,500 (before taxes). 

In conclusion, I’m deeply sorry for bringing math into this, but you know, always good to know ahead of time. The point is that this is a temporary freelance role with some orgasmic benefits.

My vibe is that if you're a known sexplorer looking to spread the good word on self-pleasure, this is a great addition to your résumé (or never put on your résumé, like, ever). If you’ve clung to a very stable high-paying, career enriching role in this economy, maybe this isn’t the thing you want to quit your day job for. On the flip side, if you need a work-from-home gig that helps pay some bills and allows you to seek your orgasm on the regular... Vive la révolution du plaisir, babe.